Eight-Legged Freaks

Well, our time in Big Bear has come to a close and it was a great time. I accomplished just about everything I wanted to in the last post. I also had to do some “Man-stuff” up in the mountains: I put chains on the car while it was snowing (which is pretty manly in California where that doesn’t ever need to be done), I chopped firewood (by which I mean I drove to the store for a Duraflame log), I made a pretty rad sled-track (to tempt Yeti’s…who would love sledding, obvi), and I went on a spider rampage.

Before I get into it you should know my outlook on bugs: “I don’t care.” Once, when I was in the part of the world found below North America, where the non-book-selling Amazon can be found, I ran into lots of bugs and got used to them real fast. At first, it was just mosquitos, flies, and leaf-cutter ants. Ya, it sucks to get bitten, but it’s more-than-worth it to be in the jungle or on a island. In fact, I’ve only ever had two really bad experiences…oh, and these are them:

First, when I was scuba diving in Utila, Honduras there were sand flies everywhere. There is only ONE reason why I hate sand flies: my eyes do not possess the ability to see them. If sand flies were the size of normal flies or mosquitos, no sweat, but there is something psychologically anxiety-inducing about being bitten and not feeling or knowing that it’s happening. You just go about your day and these jerks are chomping away, leaving you itchy for weeks and making you look like a character out of a Dr. Seuss book.

Second, I once woke up with something crawling up my stomach. I looked over at my room-mate sleeping off his earlier intoxication and then slowly looked down to find a black scorpion the size of 1/2 of a bagel (cut down the middle, not into two slices) walking up toward my chest. Now, I’m glad I didn’t freak out at this point because I may not be writing this if I had. More importantly (and this is a plug for all libraries) I’m glad that I’m an avid reader, because I was able to grab the book I had been reading before I fell asleep and use it as a tray. I put it on my chest and let the scorpion crawl onto the book and then catapult it out the window. Well, the book hit the window, my room-mate woke up, yelled at me to be quiet, and if I hadn’t felt so awesome and manly from my MacGuyver-like-life-saving-skills, I may have cried…manly tears that look like biceps.

So, aside from the above incident of annoyance and life-jeapordy, I hold an “I don’t care” view, letting bugs come and go as they please. Wait…

Oh, right! Spider Rampage 2012. So, I got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, washed my hands (cause even sleepy people need to fight germs), and then started to head back to warm blankets when I saw a small spider. I gave the spider my traditional bro-head-nod and went on my way when I remembered that there were also two little kids in this cabin. Thinking that one of the kids might use the restroom and freak out because of the spider, I grabbed the rope, ducktape, bonesaw…uh…I mean “tissues.” After I got a taste of spider killing from the first one it was too late, my spider bloodlust took over. By the time I came back to my senses there were 7 spider bodies in the trash; the children were safe.

In case you are a child of one of the spiders I killed, I’m sorry. I hope when you get old enough you come find me to settle matters, but be warned, I will be ready.


A Remorseless Exterminator…whose name is also Jordan


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About Jordan Carver

I just love life, experiencing it all, and it is definitely better with more people participating. Whether it's surfing, rock climbing, or exploring the forests, it's always better to share the magic.

One response to “Eight-Legged Freaks”

  1. Wendy Schwenker says :

    While staying at a dive center in Utila (who was it that recommended that place? Um, YOU!) I had a rather large roommate, not human, exoskeleton. We met before bed one night and I chased it back into its hole. The next night I was sound asleep and awoke to feel something crawling up my naked back, and knew exactly who it was (no, not the cute guy from the dance club). Unlike you I did not remain calm. I flew out of bed, screamed like a girl, turned on the light and used my book to chase it off the bed, down the wall and back into the insect hell it had climbed out of. I banged my leg on the bed in the process and still have the mark to prove it. Other than that I loved Parrots. Well, other than the cockroach and the couple in the hammock outside my window at 4 a.m. The couple was the worse of the two. Should have chased them off with my book.

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