The Stages

My close friend, Sean, and I had a small farewell breakfast for him at the Original Pancake House this morning (because when you need apple pancakes you NEED apple pancakes). It’s gonna be a real bummer not having Sean around as much, both for obvious reasons and for the reason that I will now become fat without my training partner.

While we were eating breakfast we talked about the stages of what happens when you are drunk, and I’m pretty sure I have mine down.

1) I start talking louder and more often.

2) Girl-targeting mechanism activated.

3) It’s time to Dance.

I then take a trip to the bathroom where I stand and look at myself in the mirror, sway a bit, then say things to myself out loud like, “Pull it together, man. PULL IT TOGETHER” or “Oh man, you are gone, you better give someone those keys.”

4) I start buying drinks for everyone…except the people I know.

5) I tell long historical stories. Ex) I once regalled a large group of people with the entire story of the Trojan War, against their will.

6) I tell long stories that never happened…to me. Ex) When I was in Guatemala I told my friend Will about my childhood…except I was actually just telling him the Lion King; I am the white, human version of Simba. Wait, why did I assume Simba was black? Are all animated lions black? Am I graphically-racist? So many questions.

7) I begin looking for a place to sleep, but never actually sleep there. Ex) I once asked my friends Michael, Brian, and Dave to set up a bed for me at their house, but by the time they set it up, I was laying behind the couch and refusing the comforts of a mattress.

Yup, that looks about right, I’m sure one of my friends will see this and add more…unfortunately.

I swear to drunk I’m not God….whose name is also Jordan


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About Jordan Carver

I just love life, experiencing it all, and it is definitely better with more people participating. Whether it's surfing, rock climbing, or exploring the forests, it's always better to share the magic.

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