My close friend, Sean, and I had a small farewell breakfast for him at the Original Pancake House this morning (because when you need apple pancakes you NEED apple pancakes). It’s gonna be a real bummer not having Sean around as much, both for obvious reasons and for the reason that I will now become fat without my training partner.
While we were eating breakfast we talked about the stages of what happens when you are drunk, and I’m pretty sure I have mine down.
1) I start talking louder and more often.
2) Girl-targeting mechanism activated.
3) It’s time to Dance.
I then take a trip to the bathroom where I stand and look at myself in the mirror, sway a bit, then say things to myself out loud like, “Pull it together, man. PULL IT TOGETHER” or “Oh man, you are gone, you better give someone those keys.”
4) I start buying drinks for everyone…except the people I know.
5) I tell long historical stories. Ex) I once regalled a large group of people with the entire story of the Trojan War, against their will.
6) I tell long stories that never happened…to me. Ex) When I was in Guatemala I told my friend Will about my childhood…except I was actually just telling him the Lion King; I am the white, human version of Simba. Wait, why did I assume Simba was black? Are all animated lions black? Am I graphically-racist? So many questions.
7) I begin looking for a place to sleep, but never actually sleep there. Ex) I once asked my friends Michael, Brian, and Dave to set up a bed for me at their house, but by the time they set it up, I was laying behind the couch and refusing the comforts of a mattress.
Yup, that looks about right, I’m sure one of my friends will see this and add more…unfortunately.
I swear to drunk I’m not God….whose name is also Jordan